Astrology Explored

July 27, 2009

Neeti Ray asked me a question. “Have you made your peace with the reactions you get when you tell people what you do?” Speaking to other astrologers, there are quite a few that hold down a nice respectable day jobs and they do not tell people what they do in their off hours. One astrologer said to me, “I wouldn’t want people to think I’m flaky.”

It’s not a secret. Those that practice astrology are subject to a fair amount of censure. Take for instance a young astrologer facing her family . . .

“Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you.”

“I knew it,” exclaimed Mom with a tremble in her voice, “You’re gay.”

“What!” roars Dad.

“No, I am NOT gay.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” says Mom.

“I’m an astrologer.”

“A what?” Mom blinks.

“An astrologer. You know, kinda of like what’s in astrology columns in the newspaper.”

“Not a nice Catholic girl like you! What would the Pope say?” Mom starts crying.

“I hardly think . . .”

“No, you aren’t thinking, are you young lady,” spouts Dad. “We didn’t raise you like that! How did all this start?”

“Well, I found some books in the library . . .”

“See Helen,” Dad smacks his hand on the table, “That’s what you get for allowing your daughter to read.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” says the daughter.

“Heaven has nothing to do with it, young lady. This is the work of the devil. “

“Astrology has nothing to do with devil worship, Dad.”

“Oh, sure, that’s what they tell you at first isn’t it. Then you get all, all involved and the next thing you know you are dancing naked in the woods.”

“That’s Wicca, not astrology, Dad. And that has nothing to do with the devil either.”

“The hell it doesn’t! The bible specifically says astrology is the work of the devil.”

“It doesn’t!”

“It does I tell ya!”

“How would you know? The last time you even saw a bible was during your confirmation 40 years ago. As far as I know you haven’t cracked one open once.”

“Well, that’s true, dear,” says Mom. “You even tossed that bible that Aunt Helen gave us as a wedding gift.”

“You be quiet now!” snaps Dad. “Nothing good is going to come of this. Astrologer! Hmph! “ Stomps out of the back door, slamming it.

“Are you sure you aren’t gay, dear?”

Photo published under a Creative Commons license from Flickr

If you have a specific question you would like to see answered on these pages, please send your birth date, birth time and birth place to starrynightastro@aol.com. Sorry, time limitations prevents the the posting of full interpretations of birth charts.

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July 11, 2009

Recently both transiting Venus and Mars crossed my ascendant in into the first house of body image. It crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, it was time for a little home improvement in that area. You see, my body is well, ah, pear shaped, ok, most DECIDELY pear shaped. And I’ve been having nostalgic yearnings for the hourglass figure of my youth perhaps because transiting Mars is conjunct my South Node. With Mars involved. I actually DID something, rather than let my Aquarian self think something over endlessly, then in deciding the end result, let it drop.

I bought a piece of exercise equipment.

Any one who knows me knows how laughable this is from the get-go. You don’t acquire a figure like a beach ball from eating properly and exercising regularly. There are no excuses here. I acquired plenty of baby fat from the last pregnancy, but now that the kid is sixteen years old, that excuse is wearing a little thin.

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February 24, 2008

When do you know when a horoscope column in a newspaper is fake? What do you do about it?

This astrologer had a surreal experience this week when I picked up a local rag, and read in disbelief the astrology column that was in it. It was garbage, total nonsense. For instance, Gemini was advised to go around and spontaneously hug everyone. I don’t know about where you live, but here in the heart of politically correct Yankee land, that advice can land you with an assault charge. Since I knew the editor of the paper, (who doesn’t know me as an astrologer) I paid a little visit to the offices of the newspaper.

“Who writes your astrology,” I asked?

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February 22, 2008
When you dig deep enough you find all sorts of astrological correspondences associated with different mystic schools of thoughts. From the twelve paths in the Jewish Cabbala to tarot cards associated with each of the signs, astrology is everywhere.

Practicing my own form of mysticism I’d like to propose just one more, that of the mystic art of jello shots. Now before you laugh, this system is a very carefully thought out, taking all of ten minutes, like most good pop spiritualism. It is based on the Jello system of colors and flavors and the propensity of each astrological sign to enjoy them.

There is a wealth of information on the internet on how to create jello shots, from actual recipes to recommendations to containers, so I won’t bore you with the details here.

Seeing that there is only one good way to down a jello shot, straight up, with a sharp intake of breath, it is also appropriate to do so in a meditative state, full of the awareness of the stuff of life, while reciting your particular mantra for the experience.

So mix up your iconic flavor and follow me to the path of true enlightenment, or at least a good time, now that you have the appropriate guide.

Aries–Full of fire and energy, your color is red, your flavor strawberry, reminding you of the innocence of your youth and that awful strawberry wine you used to down while trying to woo the women or when the men tried to woo you. Meditation: Slow down and pay attention and you may reduce the number of accidents you experience. You just may lower of your insurance bill as well.

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November 4, 2007

Here is a link to a different kind of Horoscope for the workplace, based on job descriptions.

Ajokes.com

astrology, astrology jokes

October 21, 2007

Your kitty daring or darling? Your doggy dashing or flashy? Check out your pup’s or kit’s innate personality at this site:

Pet Astrology

astrology, pets

October 16, 2007

As a press release, APACS, takes light-hearted look at consumer payment habits by star sign.

New online guide reveals:
-Capricorns are the most financially astute
-Scorpios are the sign of the debit card
-Taureans are fairly meticulous in their financial management

The guide, based on research among 2,000 UK consumers, shows interesting trends that distinguish the payment behaviour of the twelve signs of the zodiac.

Aries - financially consistent

Ariens are reasonably consistent when it comes to financial management. They do let themselves down when it comes to checking their bank and credit card statements, and should try to check them more thoroughly to spot anything unusual.

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October 14, 2007

Did you ever think certain people should come with warning labels? Wait no further. Here is a complete list of warnings that should come with each astrological sign.

Aries–Warning–Do not play Monopoly with this individual. The Ram will pass Go, will take his and everyone else’s two hundred dollars and expect you to give him your Get Out of Jail Free card. This applies to real life situations as well.

Taurus–Warning–Move slowly and cautiously around Taurean preconceived notions. Keep an apple pie on hand to deflect the Bull’s attention from any action that deviates from the “rules.�?

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September 24, 2007

We’re taking a little detour today to Her Daily News where I am guest blogging. Today’s subject is The Twelve Bastard Bosses of the Zodiac, a humorous look at the people who control at least eight hours of our day. Swing on by and have a chuckle.

astrology, zodiac, horoscopes, bosses

September 15, 2007

Aries, What we love about you is your raw courage. You go where angels fear to tread. However, along with that ‘to heck with it’ attitude goes a ‘to heck with them’ attitude. We’d like like it if you paid more attention to the other guy.

Taurus, your practical nature is a soothing balm to a hectic world. Your stubborn attitude is a canker. Lighten up, will ‘ya?

Gemini, witty and sociable, you’re just plain fun to be around, when you’re around that is. When things get sticky, you feel icky, hence the disappearance act. If you want to keep your friends hang around for the tough parts. You might learn something.

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September 15, 2007

Just to give us pause and reflect on those things we may want to revise about ourselves and have a good chuckle:

Bad Habits By Sun Sign

Tomorrow we’ll take a look at the signs in “Love ‘Em, Hate ‘EM, What We Adore and Despise about Each of the Signs.”

astrology, zodiac, horoscopes

September 2, 2007

Favorite Hobbies by Sign
Aries: anything physical; sport, business meetings, and yeah! SEX
Taurus: making money
Gemini: no response: was too busy to answer
Cancer: curling up with a good book
Leo: throwing parties
Virgo: what hobbies? I’m too busy…oh ok…I get a kick out of
organizing my book collection.
Libra: Oh geez, well, I like lots of stuff, ya know…what do you like?
Scorpio: polishing my knife collection for all those who dare to
cross me.
Sagittarius: traveling, sex with foreigners and roller coasters baby!
Capricorn: I collect stamps.
Aquarius: well, uh…that is…you don’t really want to know do you?
Pisces: does daydreaming count?

These jokes were posted on Vega Attractions

astrology, horoscopes, sun signs, hobbies, jokes

ARIES: “Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW !”

TAURUS: “Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET.”

GEMINI: “Yo God…(or is it Goddess?)…Who are you?…What are you?…..Where are You?…..How many of you ARE there? I can’t figure you out!”

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We can all use a good yuk, now and then. Check out the following link that answers the burning question:

How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?

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