The Ties That Bind, Why She Stays
October 3, 2007
As mentioned in yesterday’s post, an abusive man is a master manipulator drawing in women under the guise of the Prince Charming who sweeps his princess off her feet. When the relationship starts taking wrong turns she is already well invested in it. But the abuser is already one step ahead of her. He is invested in keeping the relationship as well, but since he has no real relationship skills, he resorts to lies and manipulation to do so. He starts a brainwashing campaign to convince the woman that she can not get along without him. A very effective abuser, will in short order:
Have her cut off from family and friends, her support system.
Restrict her access to financial resources.
Cuts her level of confidence in herself so that she can not make independent decisions.
As women, we tend to put the needs of a relationship ahead of our own needs. This is not neccesarily bad. No adult can be totally independent and be a part of a relationship.As adults, sometimes we need to subsume our personal desires to achieve interpersonal goals. The difference between a healthy, mature response to relationship needs and an unhealthy one, is that in a healthy relationship the needs of both partners are met in balance. In a relationship with an abuser, the abuser’s needs are met, with only crumbs thrown to the other partner.
However, an abuser will take advantage of a woman’s willingness to subsume her desires to build a relationship. As part of the abuser’s disinformation campaign, the woman may intially buy into the idea planted by the abuser that she can “fix? things if only she would do what he wants. This is the Carrot and Stick manuever. The deeper a woman goes into trying to please him, the higher he sets the bar. Of course, she is the one that falls short. The abuser’s goal is to keep her so busy, that she doesn’t realize how much trouble she’s in.
When she does realise she is in trouble, she is cut off from all sources of help.
She is demoralized, and frightened. She may have experienced the first taste of his physical violence. He may have made threats, against her life, or against the children and she believes him. She realize that her life may actually be in danger if she tries to leave him. Sadly, there are enough stories on the television and the newspapers to support this belief.
For the people who say “Why doesn’t she just leave?? it isn’t that simple. Protective Orders don’t protect. Judges may allow an abuser to remain in the home while a divorce is in process. Financial pressures may make it impossible for a woman to support herself and her children. The social safety net, Aid to Dependent Families, has been reduced to a shadow of its former structure.
That’s it. No astrology. No magic way to fix the problem. Its work, hard work and sometimes dangerous work. The bravest people we will ever know are not soldiers, firefighters or policemen. It is the women who find a way out the maze of confusion, pain and fear caused by an abusive relationship and manage to rebuild their lives.
To read more about how an abuser controls the relationship see: Emotional Abuse
To read an astrological analysis of relationship factors in a chart see:
What Makes a Relationship Work
Check out these other great 451 Press blogs talking about Domestic Violence:
About Honolulu, Hiwaii
Parenting and Religion
Marital Talk
Life As A Christian Woman
Her Daily News
About San Jose
Watching Bionic Woman
Watching BSG
Limited Edition Foods
1PStart
Radical Avenue
Earthly Garden
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