Astrology Explored

January 22, 2008
Why did the Aquarian cross the road?

a.) To make you ask why.
b.) Because no one else has (chickens don’t count.)
c.) There’s a sparkly thing there that has caught the Aquarian’s eye.
d.) All of the above

And none of the above. Honestly, no one, not even an Aquarian knows the reason for the things they do. Ruled by wonky Uranus, the only planet in our solar system that spins on its side, Aquarians are prone to unpredictable urges. This makes them a danger to themselves and others. But, we don’t have enough places to put away slightly one twelfth of the planet’s population, so we live with them, albeit by wrapping them in crime scene tape.

One impeccable source, The National Inquirer, once printed a chart listing how annoying each astrological sign was. The most annoying? You guess it: Aquarians. They don’t whine, they don’t cry, but they do have this really nervy way of being right even when they are wrong. They’ll tell you that too. They are called “fixed� and not because they’ve been spayed or neutered, though many probably should be. Its in their nature to be intractable.

Oh, they are brilliant, for sure. Their first language is Fortran and from there they go onto the easy things like Japanese and English. They learn how to code before they can add, subtract and multiply, which often gives their teachers pause when they are trying to grade a paper written in 001101 type computer phrases. These are the kids that their parents call for technical support for their company’s computer network.

Aquarians are the only sign of the zodiac that feel they have a intimate relationship with their personal computer. One husband of a Aquarian complains regularly that his wife loves her laptop more than she loves him. That isn’t true, but Aquarians do have a wide circle of friends and it does include friends of the electronic variety.

The Water Bearer also has this really broad sense of the word “family.� Being a humanitarian, they naturally anthropomorphize any creature they find interesting. This can be a problem if they befriend something like a squirrel and bring it home to share the family space. Most people don’t have the “pleasure� of living with a squirrel, but let me assure you there are many reasons why the Germans consider squirrels not just spawn but incarnations of the devil.

The strange way Aquarians compute personal relationships only mean trouble for the rest of humanity. Trying to figure out where you fit in their personal landscape is like looking at an M. C. Escher drawing. They are big on loyalty, truth and personal integrity, but those values become a little skewed in the Aquarian lexicon. Aquarians are the only sign of the zodiac that demands more of their friends than of their lovers, but trying to figure out which one you are can be a little dicey. You have to be considered a friend before you share some sheet time, but don’t expect that your “journey to heaven� means anything more than that. It probably was an Aquarian that invented the phrase “friend with benefits�.

All these mental contortions are just a thinly veiled way for Aquarians to guard their most treasured possession, their freedom. Its not just a life lesson, it is a mission. Like a salmon struggling upstream to lay their eggs, Aquarians just have to be free to be who they are. It is why Aquarians are unarmed and dangerous.

astrology, Aquarius